This Just In! Secretary Kerry Cements Crucial TPP Commitment from the 38th Parallel

kerry ttp


Seoul– In a hastily arranged press conference just outside the Korean Demilitarized Zone (DMZ), Secretary of State John Kerry, fresh from his stalemate in Switzerland and desperate for a Pyrrhic victory served with Ox Bone soup, reasserted America’s determination to keep the desolate outpost of the Korean Peninsula a committed member of the Trans Pacific Partnership (TPP).

“Our long and abiding friendship with the DMZ is as strong, mutually beneficial and distinctly non-communicative as it’s ever been.” insisted Kerry.

“Moreover I have received assurances from some well-connected sagebrush that the DMZ has no plans to follow South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Nebraska and Southern New Jersey into the AIBB.”

Asked if there was any truth to the rumors North Korea’s Kim Jong-un was prepared to relinquish nuclear weapons for rapprochement with the South, two Lakers season tickets (sky-suite) and a moratorium on unflattering film portrayals, Kerry was circumspect.

“That’s really a question for [former NBA star] Dennis Rodman. But let me be clear. The United States opposes unilateral and spontaneous defections from our Axis of Evil affiliate program as it plays havoc with Pentagon cost justifications and bellicose rhetoric.”

He continued.

“Look, the US needs a narrow patch of land from which to position a pivot. I need a soundbite and the DMZ needs peace in our time. I call that a win-win-win.”

At the time of this release, a DMZ spokesman could not be reached for comment as the region’s way too desolate for words.

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This Just In! Secretary Kerry Cements Crucial TPP Commitment from the 38th Parallel

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